


aro tries desperately to get carlisle back

by scudfrohmeyer



Series: volturi shitposting [1]
Category: Twilight (Movies), Twilight Series - All Media Types
Genre: Caius hates everyone equally, Exes, F/M, First of all aro likes men, Love Letters, M/M, Other, Unrequited Love, carlisle has standards now, jane hates aro ofc, marcus hates life and aro
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-30
Updated: 2019-11-30
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:28:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21612247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scudfrohmeyer/pseuds/scudfrohmeyer
Summary: aro has had many brilliant ideas to try and get carlisle back, and while literally none of them have worked so far, he’s in too deep to stop now, so why not try everything?
Relationships: Carlisle Cullen/Esme Cullen, Marcus/Candy Crush/Death, Past Aro/Carlisle Cullen
Series: volturi shitposting [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1678750
Comments: 13
Kudos: 44





	aro tries desperately to get carlisle back

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Stephanie Meyer & Michael Sheen](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Stephanie+Meyer+%26+Michael+Sheen).



> first of all, the twilight movies are ridiculous and absolute bangers, and secondly, aro is somehow not the gayest michael sheen character.

Aro hunched over his desk, scribbling furiously with his quill. He cursed it when he had to dip it into the inkwell and cursed the black blobs that formed at the start of his letters. He’d never be taken seriously with this shoddy handwriting, and he desperately needed to be taken seriously. His eyes darted from the parchment in front of him to the book of Shakespeare sonnets, a first edition he hadn’t even looked at before he started this project.

It was a miracle that Old English had been totally vanquished, he swore to himself that it would be the last time he ever even looked at these disgusting words.  _ Paffion? _ How many ways could ‘f’ be pronounced?

This plan would work, it  _ had _ to. There was no way he wouldn’t open this wax-sealed, impeccably-folded, perfumed letter and not immediately jump on the next flight to Italy, hearts in his eyes. That thought was enough to fuel him to keep going, feverishly jotting down the entirety of the most romantic sonnets (bookmarked by Jane, of course).

Just twenty or so feet away, Marcus and Caius were strapped to their thrones, both on their phones. While Caius was taking selfies in 20-photo bursts only to delete them all, deeming them all to be ugly, Marcus was on level 2,840 of Candy Crush, replaying it for the fortieth time, praying that with each win he was getting slightly closer to the sweet release of death. Neither of them knew or cared what Aro was doing.

“ _ And... _ finished!” He stood up from his seat and held the letter above his head, like it was something to be proud of. “Here, Caius, read it aloud for me.”

Caius looked up from his phone only momentarily, which was impressive in it’s own right, and loudly proclaimed: “Carlisle doesn’t want you, you dumb bitch.”

Aro nodded once, hiding his disappointment. “Of course. Uhm, Jane! Jane, come read this letter! I think I’ve outdone myself this time!” He brought it down from above his head. When she didn’t arrive within a few seconds, he yelled again. “ _ Jane! _ ”

She entered the room, the giant doors slamming shut behind her. “What?” Her voice was cold, and she didn’t mask her annoyance.

“Here, please read this.” He handed her the letter, eager for her to read it, pause, and throw praise at him. “I think Carlisle will love it.”

He watched her, practically bouncing on the balls of his feet, unable to wait for her wave of compliments. Jane took her sweet time reading it, scanning each line slowly, intricately.  _ Oh, _ her feedback would only encourage him to write twenty more letters to Carlisle.

She looked up from the letter, an unaffected look on her face.

“You just copied Shakespeare sonnets and then wrote ‘I miss you like the deserts miss the rain.’ What does that even mean?” She asked, still holding it in her hand.

“It’s, it’s from a song. You know, I listen to modern music, I’m not some old fuddy-duddy.” He laughed, trying to take the letter back from her. Her grasp didn’t let up.

“ _ Fuddy-duddy? _ ” She scrunched her nose slightly and raised and eyebrow, shooting burning arrows right through him.

He brushed her off, pulling the letter out of her hands and flattening it out on the desk. “He’ll love it. I’m sending it right now, in fact!” He began to fold the letter, and poured the contents of his wax melt onto the envelope, pressing a Volturi crest into the bright red, pomegranate-strawberry-scented puddle. He presented her the folded letter, his pride only faintly wrinkled. “Here, take this to Heidi, whatever her name is. Priority shipping, I want him to get this as soon as possible. He’ll realise his mistake in leaving me soon, and he’ll realise it even sooner if it doesn’t get stuck somewhere in Boston for two weeks.”

Jane tore the letter from his hand, smiling in her normal, demeaning way. “Why not just call him, Master?” She gestured to the phone on his belt loop.

Aro pulled his Nokia 3310 Aqua Clear Edition from its case, holding it up for her to see.

“You know he blocked my number last Valentine’s Day after I threatened Esme,  _ Jane. _ You know how I sent one hundred and thirty-two text messages that he never responded to,  _ Jane. _ ” He propped one hand on his hip, the other held his phone out to the side.

“Of course. I’m sorry,  _ Master. _ ” Jane turned around and started to walk away, prompting him to walk back to his throne. He set his phone down on the desk.

He approached Marcus and Caius, noting how they had both gone back to their phones like that conversation hadn’t even happened. The little musical tune that played when Marcus completed a Candy Crush level played again, he hadn’t even noticed that he’d beaten the same level five times while they talked and immediately started it again the moment Aro noticed the song. Caius had finally picked out a selfie he liked, and was now abusing the Facetune app, trying to edit his hair whiter, straighter, and shinier (and of course every other pesky imperfection that his Instagram followers noticed, but that was the least of his worries right now, he had a tiny curl at the end of one lock of his hair and he couldn’t rest until it was straight).

Aro turned around when he heard the doors close once again, and the second he put his foot back on the ground, something hard and plastic had pelted him in the centre of his forehead. His Nokia 3310 Aqua Clear Edition was lying on the floor, undented, while he felt a small crack forming up to his hairline. When he looked back up, Jane was grinning.

“I’m sure he’ll respond this time.” She walked back out, leaving Aro to pick his phone up from the floor and take a walk of shame back to his throne, where he sat, and pondered what he did to deserve this.

**Author's Note:**

> so i wrote this in an hour and regret absolutely nothing. stephanie meyer please let me write a twilight novel all about the volturi.


End file.
